i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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