god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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