Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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