Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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