For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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