I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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