I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I am one with the molecules
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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