and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
