im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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