Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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