just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
