I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
