Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
