I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
