happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
