Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
