that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
