and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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