You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
