there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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