I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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