I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
