You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
