I am in a vortex of obligation.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
