remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
