But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
