Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
