Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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