Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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