Please, let me fuck your mom
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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