I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
