I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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