The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
