there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
