we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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