Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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