Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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