The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
