Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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