nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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