I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
don't judge my taste in strippers
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
