The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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