So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
