If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The air was thick with penises
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
