You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
