When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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