I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
