I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
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