All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
