So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
