I met the friendliest cop last night
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
